Thursday, June 6, 2013

Stress stress and more stress...

Ok so I am most assuredly not perfect. But there comes a point where a lot of people think.... Why try? My daughter has has a very very bad day. 
Today has been code red from the second she woke up this morning. :/ 

Eryn and Allan, with Bill in the background... or
as we call them lol 


That's why we called the house. I really am trying to remain calm and handle everything in a good way but it just gets so hard. No job. No car. No escape. I think a big part of it is cabin fever. The fact that I never leave the house without an agenda. To the store and back. To the doctor and back. Never go to the park to enjoy ourselves. All  the parks are too far away for toddlers to walk. And with a three year old and a four old you have to make sure everything is convenient. 

I know they don't do everything on purpose. And I realize they are just kids but still... Some days I want grown up time. I don't have very many face to face real life friends. I have friends online yeah but face to face all I have is by Best Guy Friend Bill and my Best Girl Friend Angelique. Bill is who I live with and while he's a great friend... We spend a lot of time up each others asses that sometimes I get so aggravated I pick fights inadvertently. Not on purpose mind you... It just kinda happens. :(
I want adult time. Go hang out with a friend and walk the pier. Go for a hike and just... Hang. No money spent. No screaming. No stress. Just having time with a friend. But none of my online friends live close enough or have free time. :( Right now Eryn and Allan are picking up the living room after their terror reign from the day and still... It's a fight. I may end up drinking a few tonight (self created mixed drinks) while I do my homework. I seldom drink but the stress has gotten out of control inside my head. I just need some me time...
In some ways I hate it that I'm single because I miss couple stuffs. But in others I am so tired of dating stress and my trust issues that I don't want to date. I have too much of me to change as fix before I can date anyhow. I am a huge jumbled up mess of a human being entirely. I am selfish, controlling, jealous(oh insanely territorially jealous), short tempered, very helpless at times, I have huge self esteem issues and the mental track I carry with me is....sketchy. To say the least. I have issues with change but at the same time I hate when everything stagnates. Most women think all men are dogs and blah blah blah. But for me it is different. I understand more than the average female is willing to admit about women lol.
Women can be quick to take past experiences into their new relationships and make the men in the future essentially pay for the past men's mistakes. And I completely am guilty of this. And that's a relationship death wish. Basically.. So I'm trying to not do that anymore.. But I am also realizing that until I get a job and a car and can stabilize myself that I can not get anywhere especially a successful relationship no matter what I want. I would really LIKE to be dating someone... But the truth of the matter is that I am just not able to right now. There is one person that has been really sweet to me. And hasn't been overly flirtatious. Really respectful of me and my wishes and hopefully he knows who he is. 

This is for you hun...

I know that a lot of this
seems under thought. Or maybe over thought. And disorganized... But that's me. My thoughts are sporadic. My mind isn't always perfect. But I am me... Simple, complicated, silly, weird, 

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